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The cloud that’s never far away

So today I woke up in a fairly good mood but over the last few hours it’s been slowing slipping away, like a tide leaving the beach. Nothing has happened to make me feel like this it just happens and there’s no escaping the feeling of “I can’t be arsed” . I feel like I’ve got a lot to say today but nothing seems to be coming out

The shadows are darker on the sunny days

My moods seem to be like the sea on a stormy day, rising and falling by the minute. These are the hardest times as you are constantly going from happy to sad and everywhere in between, people start to think you’re faking it, that you’re not really depressed. Everything feels worse because two minutes ago you were laughing and joking but now all you want to do is curl up into a ball somewhere dark and quiet. The fight you have being smothered due to the turbulence 

The black dog is back and I think he’s been on steroids

Roughly 12 months ago I was diagnosed with depression which they seem to think I’ve had since my early teens. I was bad, I’d completely lost the will to live and saw no joy in anything. Shortly after, my ten year relationship ended so while dealing with that and waiting for my tablets to kick in I did nothing but play Xbox and watch Netflix. I wasn’t showering, I was barely eating and I shut everybody out. Then my tablets kicked, I started fishing and I’d become ok with being on my own. For the first time in years I was happy, it unnerved me as I wasn’t used to it. Everything was going great and I was getting better everyday. Fast forward to September 2016 and I nose dived big time, my brothers partner of ten years succumbed to a long illness and passed away fairly suddenly . I felt myself spiralling as I tried to get my head around it while trying to look after my big brother, an unusual feeling in itself as he was normally the one looking after me. My birthday went by virtually unnoticed due to the more important stuff happening and Christmas was looming. Lesser stuff has happened since but due to grieving they got on top of me. Now it’s April 2017 and I’m the lowest I’ve ever been, for the first time in my life I was genuinely thinking about suicide and it scared the shit out of me. So here I am writing this so I can get it all out and not have to hide it any longer. In future posts I will go further into detail about how I got here and try to track my progress