My futile pursuit of exercise

Exercise has never been my strong point, I was always the slowest and weakest of my friends but I yearn for it. I’ve always wanted to be strong and fit but I can never stick to anything. Depression had a hold of every part of my life but I’m trying to create goals around exercise as when I do occasionally do it I feel loads better. I’m booked to do Tough Mudder in September but I’ve only been for one run in the last couple of months so my training is going about as well as everything  else in my life. I’ve even debated joining a gym but due to my social anxiety and fear of everything new I don’t see myself sticking to it.

I had a minor brainwave the other day, why don’t I start an exercise group for like minded people? Start simple and do it somewhere like the park and maybe if it goes well I can ask people for a small donation every session and put the money into equipment and booking a leisure centre. I have a friend who’s an instructor and I’m hoping I can get him on board

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Fishing. The cure-all that’s no longer working for me

I could never see the point of fishing, sitting down for hours on end staring at the water. It was something that never ever interested me but last summer my brother suggested we try it. Our first trip out we spent about 6 hours sitting in the rain drinking tea, eating Jaffa Cakes and catching nothing but a cold, I was absolutely hooked (excuse the pun) Every free day I had I was on the bank come rain or shine but soon that wasn’t enough. I work shifts so every other week I have my afternoons free so I was spending them on the bank too. My brother had commitments at home so I started going on my own a lot of the time. It was doing wonders for my confidence and was really helping me fight my depression. After having the winter off due to bereavement I have taken it back up again but it doesn’t feel the same. I no longer have that fishing buzz you get on the run-up to the weekend, every Friday used to feel like Christmas Eve. It’s almost like a relationship that’s gone stale and you’re just going through the motions. Maybe I’m sick of sitting on a public lake having to deal with wayward dogs and cocky little kids, maybe I’m bored of having to tie knots and unhook fish for other people or maybe I’m just worse than I was when I started fishing last year.

You always hurt the ones you love the most. How stress, anxiety and depression has killed another friendship

So my S.A.D has pushed someone away so far that they’ve fell off my radar completely. I can’t blame them, I’d walk away from it too if I could. The problem I have with losing friends and love interests  is that they don’t always explain why. Is it too painful for them to sit and watch someone they care about shrivel away or do they just not care anymore? Sometimes you’ll never know, you’ve just got to shed a tear, pick yourself up and dust yourself off. 

It’s not easy but it’s even harder when you think you love them but never get the chance to find out

Nothing is lonelier than the night

I don’t know why I stay up late, 90% of the people I know are sleep, you have to be quiet as you don’t want to wake anyone up and most places are shut so you can’t really go out. I just sit here mindless watching TV or playing video games to try and blank out my thoughts and ignore the echoing chasm that is the night. But I’ll still do it, every chance I get, to sit here and mull over the shit pile that is my life. 

Despondent is a good word for how I feel at times like this, silently lying in an empty bed, not wanting anybody in the house to know I’m awake. I’m lonely but I don’t want the company that’s on offer apart from the dog, he doesn’t ask me what’s wrong or try to make me feel better with cliches, he just sits there without judgement or pity and soaks up all the attention like a sponge while dishing out affection. You see, I get really irritable and shitty with people because they won’t let me sit in peace. I’ll sit with them so I’m not alone but people always want you to join in.

I need a cuddle. I need someone to let me rest my head on their chest and stroke my hair while I tumble down this rabbit hole and wait for the strength to climb back out. But herein lies another kick in the teeth, I don’t have the energy to worry and care about somebody else. I met a beautiful woman and my feelings for her grew faster than I could cope with and now I’ve pushed her away because I didn’t want to drag her down into this pit with me (plus I got really needy and scared her off) She has done amazingly well at fighting her own demons, I can’t ask her to meet mine. Now I just watch from a distance as the gorgeous flower blooms into the confident person she strives to be and drifts away like cherry blossom in the Spring. I just hope she forgives me for being a dick.

Sleep should be my friend, hours of peace and quiet but trying to sleep when you’re  miserable and fed up is surprisingly difficult. It should be easy, I don’t want to be awake and sleeping would bring daylight and bacon but no such luck

The cloud that’s never far away

So today I woke up in a fairly good mood but over the last few hours it’s been slowing slipping away, like a tide leaving the beach. Nothing has happened to make me feel like this it just happens and there’s no escaping the feeling of “I can’t be arsed” . I feel like I’ve got a lot to say today but nothing seems to be coming out

The shadows are darker on the sunny days

My moods seem to be like the sea on a stormy day, rising and falling by the minute. These are the hardest times as you are constantly going from happy to sad and everywhere in between, people start to think you’re faking it, that you’re not really depressed. Everything feels worse because two minutes ago you were laughing and joking but now all you want to do is curl up into a ball somewhere dark and quiet. The fight you have being smothered due to the turbulence 

The black dog is back and I think he’s been on steroids

Roughly 12 months ago I was diagnosed with depression which they seem to think I’ve had since my early teens. I was bad, I’d completely lost the will to live and saw no joy in anything. Shortly after, my ten year relationship ended so while dealing with that and waiting for my tablets to kick in I did nothing but play Xbox and watch Netflix. I wasn’t showering, I was barely eating and I shut everybody out. Then my tablets kicked, I started fishing and I’d become ok with being on my own. For the first time in years I was happy, it unnerved me as I wasn’t used to it. Everything was going great and I was getting better everyday. Fast forward to September 2016 and I nose dived big time, my brothers partner of ten years succumbed to a long illness and passed away fairly suddenly . I felt myself spiralling as I tried to get my head around it while trying to look after my big brother, an unusual feeling in itself as he was normally the one looking after me. My birthday went by virtually unnoticed due to the more important stuff happening and Christmas was looming. Lesser stuff has happened since but due to grieving they got on top of me. Now it’s April 2017 and I’m the lowest I’ve ever been, for the first time in my life I was genuinely thinking about suicide and it scared the shit out of me. So here I am writing this so I can get it all out and not have to hide it any longer. In future posts I will go further into detail about how I got here and try to track my progress