Untitled (In progress)

Everyday is a battle

One I fight alone

The wounds are so much deeper

Than blood or flesh or bone

The light at the end of the tunnel

Is getting very weak

But the answers to my problems

Are something I still seek

Losing friends and losing hope

Almost daily in attendance

When we someone find a cure

For this common death sentence

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Sunday Bloody Sunday

I hate Sundays. To be exact I hate every other Sunday, knowing that you’ve got to be up at 4am is a bit grim. I’ve felt like I’ve been wearing a cold, wet blanket all day while dragging around a dead horse. All I’ve done is tidy the inside of my car a bit. Another weekend wasted.

It’s 10pm, I’m up at 4am and I’m not even tired yet.

Maybe today wasn’t the right time to try and upgrade an old laptop full of bad memories to Windows 7. I feel like I’m sifting through a bucket of shit and sorrows. Not one of my brightest ideas.

My brain’s very skittish lately and it’s quite obvious in my writing. Four sentences in and I go off-topic. It’s a bit like being a squirrel on Red Bull. A miserable squirrel that hates everything.

I think I need a holiday but I can’t go away by myself and I don’t have anyone I want to go away with. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. Pretty much sums up my life at the moment.

I’d like to thank all the people who have stuck with me while I go through the bad patches. One good thing to come from all this is that it sorts the wheat from the chaff

100 to 0 in 10 minutes

Saturday started off well, popped into Greyhound Park, Buckley and Queensferry for a bit of shopping. Driving around on a sunny day blasting out Led Zeppelin is always a good way to spend your weekend. Came home, dropped some shopping at my friends and ended up helping him with a bit of DIY (standard for him) quick chat and home. Still feel good at this point. Washed the dog and then grabbed a shower. Sat down, got dressed and like a piano landing on a fat man it hit me.

A sudden need to leave the house fighting with the urge to go to sleep and hide. The loniless being fuelled by the hatred of company. Sounds fun doesn’t it kids?

The rest of the day was spent gaming, watching Netflix and YouTube and anything else that might distract me. Managed to stay awake until it was time to go to bed without a 1000 questions

And that ladies and gentlemen is how your weekend can go from 100 to 0 in 10 minutes

Guess who’s back

Well well, here we are again. It’s been a while since my last post as I’ve had so many ups and downs that I’ve just not felt like it. I stopped taking my tablets back in January as they were making me worse and the doctors were being a big bag of dicks. Also I am now tee-total as it makes me so much worse even though I hardly drank.

Hiking is the latest hobby I’ve started. Being completely alone and miles from anywhere is strangely therapeutic when you’re incredibly lonely.

The main reason I’ve decided to post again is a friend of mine. They messaged me out of the blue to ask questions about my depression, bit odd I thought but they’re good people. They then tell me that they have it (I’m the first person they’ve told) and wanted advice on asking for help. This was a huge honour, my regular Facebook posts being almost an inspiration for their own personal bravery. That is one of the reasons I started this blog, to encourage people to ask for help or reach out say “I have depression” Really proud of you mate, take that win

As you can probably tell I’ve lost some of my writing flair but hopefully that will come back, as will my smile

Richard Ashcroft was right, the drugs dont work

So it’s finally happened, my tablets are doing absolutely sweet f a. I’m slipping back into the abyss and some people seem to be cheering on the darkness. Luckily I have some great people throwing me ropes and egging me on, my neighbours who I’ve known for less than two years, a woman who I went out with for two weeks about 18 years ago and haven’t spoken to until a few months back and a complete stranger who I bought something off who turned out to be an amazingly kind MILF. It’s funny sometimes who has you back and who can’t weather the storm. It’s left me confused and hurt but I understand that some people don’t have the energy to be involved with me. Times like these is when I feel at my loneliest but I don’t want to be around anybody. FML

Sorry for the rambling but this is just how I am right now

I’ve also become an unrelenting, yet apologetic, sex pest. I’m trying my hardest to rein it in

Just when you think it can’t get worse… 

It would appear that my anxiety is actually getting worse. Instead of the usual slow increase, which I learned to manage to a point, I now just get smacked in the face by it. I’m having one right now

5 hours of sleep later……

This was as far as I got with this article before I had to turn everything off and go to sleep. The nausea was too much, thankfully attacks completely drain all your energy so I drifted off quickly.

As I’ve already said, they’re getting worse. I normally get steadily worse over a period of hours but all this happened in then than an hour. The clamminess was replaced with so much sweat it was actually dripping off my nose and my hair was wet. My nausea was like being punched in the stomach repeatedly, my body tensing like I was vomiting, yet I didn’t feel like I was going to be sick anytime soon (if that makes any sense to you lot). Without going into detail, instead of increasing regularity of toilet stops it was like that scene in Dumb And Dumber. Now when you combine the physical manifestations with an inexplicable feeling of doom it’s just horrendous. 

I tried xbox, watching TV and writing this to calm it all down. Nothing was helping so I tried an old trick, wrapped myself in a bath towel. Something about the feel of towels on skin settles me. In between the waves of anxiety it didn’t take long to fall asleep.

I’m fairly sure the only thing that set this off was too much coffee during the day.

It’s now 4am. I’ve been awake for about 20 mins finishing this post. Time for sleep again. Night all

Two months later….. 

…. And I’m no better. My tablets have been increased again and I’m waiting for counselling again. Sometimes I feel like I’m going in circles like a haunted merry-go-round.

However something in me has sparked and I seem to be getting a bit of fire in my belly. I’ve started playing bass guitar which I’m really enjoying despite not being great. The other thing I’ve done is more significant and out of my comfort zone, I’ve hired a personal trainer. Calm down everyone, I’ve not lost the plot just yet. I needed to attack this and exercise and eating better is one of the few things I can control. 

General mood is low lately. I’ve just returned to work after five weeks off and I hate it there but until I’m feeling better there’s not much I can do about. Apart from wallow in self-pity obviously.

Still no sign of a significant other but to be honest I couldn’t cope with normal relationship demands right now and I’m probably be a shit bf too. Still, I’m starting to feel about as welcome as a shart in a spacesuit. 

I know this post flows about as well as a transit van in a canal but meh, whatever.

I should also stop writing in metaphors (?) but I find it easier to express stuff

Writers block? No, just couldn’t be arsed

I’ve not blogged for a while and it’s time for an update. My suicidal thoughts have faded quite a lot but have been replaced waves of apathy . It’s a funny feeling because you reach a point where you don’t care, now most people say that when the do but I have moments when I literally couldn’t give a fuck. Sleeping? Effort. Breathing? Autopilot. Eating? Because my body tells me too, not out of choice. It’s quite liberating in some ways, at least my anxiety and stress can take a back seat for a while, but as with all my other issues it’s up and down all the time. Nothing seems to plateau anymore which is one of the hardest things to deal with.

A big trigger in all this was an incident where a persons behaviour caused me to have what I call a spaz attack. Not sure if it’s anxiety or stress but it was a big hit to my already shaky core and ruined a safe place for me. I’ve still not settled down but they’ve shown genuine remorse which has helped a little. Obviously now though I’ve taken a few steps back in my recovery which is already taking longer than I expected it to.

Fishing has once again taken over my life. Every day off is spent sat on the bank but I’ve changed my tactics and I’m catching again. This however also comes with drawbacks as I’m not getting anything done and day to day stuff piles up like a students washing.

I can’t seem to stay focused on much at the moment, including this blog, which isn’t helping either. 

All in all I’m better than I was a few weeks ago but I’m still not back to how I was last summer. Hopefully things will settle soon as I’m trying a slightly unorthodox style of “therapy” The best way to describe it is hormone control 

Giving up is not an option although sometimes I wish I could embrace it

Having a constant internal battle between giving up completely and wanting to have a life is tiring. I’m a 32 yr old man, no significant other, no house and a bucket load of mental issues but on the other hand I’m a 32 yr old man, single, debt free, my own car and on all accounts I’m not bad looking. My job is only ok but also my job is ok, it’s secure and it’s fairly clean. My car is 11 years old but it’s a economical, good condition, fast, reliable German whip ( I actually can’t believe I just called it a whip ) I want to be left alone and never leave the house or talk to anyone but I want to be able to go out and have a laugh, got to gigs and bars and restaurants. Every aspect of my life is looked at in this way, it’s a painful existence and sometimes the quick option comes to mind. The idea of the pain and sadness stopping suddenly gives you a weird happy feeling that lures you towards the unspeakable. I have said the words ” I can’t do this anymore” out loud more times than I’d like to admit but I’m still here. Why? Maybe it’s fear, maybe it’s a need to live a normal life, I genuinely don’t know but I’m still alive and kicking.