I’ve not blogged for a while and it’s time for an update. My suicidal thoughts have faded quite a lot but have been replaced waves of apathy . It’s a funny feeling because you reach a point where you don’t care, now most people say that when the do but I have moments when I literally couldn’t give a fuck. Sleeping? Effort. Breathing? Autopilot. Eating? Because my body tells me too, not out of choice. It’s quite liberating in some ways, at least my anxiety and stress can take a back seat for a while, but as with all my other issues it’s up and down all the time. Nothing seems to plateau anymore which is one of the hardest things to deal with.
A big trigger in all this was an incident at home where somebodies behaviour caused me to have what I call a spaz attack. Not sure if it’s anxiety or stress but it was a big hit to my already shaky core and ruined my safe place. I’ve still not settled down but they’ve shown genuine remorse which has helped a little. Obviously now though I’ve taken a few steps back in my recovery which is already taking longer than I expected it to.
Fishing has once again taken over my life. Every day off is spent sat on the bank but I’ve changed my tactics and I’m catching again. This however also comes with drawbacks as I’m not getting anything done and day to day stuff piles up like a students washing.
I can’t seem to stay focused on much at the moment, including this blog, which isn’t helping either.
All in all I’m better than I was a few weeks ago but I’m still not back to how I was last summer. Hopefully things will settle soon as I’m trying a slightly unorthodox style of “therapy” The best way to describe it is hormone control