Giving up is not an option although sometimes I wish I could embrace it

Having a constant internal battle between giving up completely and wanting to have a life is tiring. I’m a 32 yr old man, no significant other, no house and a bucket load of mental issues but on the other hand I’m a 32 yr old man, single, debt free, my own car and on all accounts I’m not bad looking. My job is only ok but also my job is ok, it’s secure and it’s fairly clean. My car is 11 years old but it’s a economical, good condition, fast, reliable German whip ( I actually can’t believe I just called it a whip ) I want to be left alone and never leave the house or talk to anyone but I want to be able to go out and have a laugh, got to gigs and bars and restaurants. Every aspect of my life is looked at in this way, it’s a painful existence and sometimes the quick option comes to mind. The idea of the pain and sadness stopping suddenly gives you a weird happy feeling that lures you towards the unspeakable. I have said the words ” I can’t do this anymore” out loud more times than I’d like to admit but I’m still here. Why? Maybe it’s fear, maybe it’s a need to live a normal life, I genuinely don’t know but I’m still alive and kicking.

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