I don’t know why I stay up late, 90% of the people I know are sleep, you have to be quiet as you don’t want to wake anyone up and most places are shut so you can’t really go out. I just sit here mindless watching TV or playing video games to try and blank out my thoughts and ignore the echoing chasm that is the night. But I’ll still do it, every chance I get, to sit here and mull over the shit pile that is my life.
Despondent is a good word for how I feel at times like this, silently lying in an empty bed, not wanting anybody in the house to know I’m awake. I’m lonely but I don’t want the company that’s on offer apart from the dog, he doesn’t ask me what’s wrong or try to make me feel better with cliches, he just sits there without judgement or pity and soaks up all the attention like a sponge while dishing out affection. You see, I get really irritable and shitty with people because they won’t let me sit in peace. I’ll sit with them so I’m not alone but people always want you to join in.
I need a cuddle. I need someone to let me rest my head on their chest and stroke my hair while I tumble down this rabbit hole and wait for the strength to climb back out. But herein lies another kick in the teeth, I don’t have the energy to worry and care about somebody else. I met a beautiful woman and my feelings for her grew faster than I could cope with and now I’ve pushed her away because I didn’t want to drag her down into this pit with me (plus I got really needy and scared her off) She has done amazingly well at fighting her own demons, I can’t ask her to meet mine. Now I just watch from a distance as the gorgeous flower blooms into the confident person she strives to be and drifts away like cherry blossom in the Spring. I just hope she forgives me for being a dick.
Sleep should be my friend, hours of peace and quiet but trying to sleep when you’re miserable and fed up is surprisingly difficult. It should be easy, I don’t want to be awake and sleeping would bring daylight and bacon but no such luck