I’ve not blogged for a while and it’s time for an update. My suicidal thoughts have faded quite a lot but have been replaced waves of apathy . It’s a funny feeling because you reach a point where you don’t care, now most people say that when the do but I have moments when I literally couldn’t give a fuck. Sleeping? Effort. Breathing? Autopilot. Eating? Because my body tells me too, not out of choice. It’s quite liberating in some ways, at least my anxiety and stress can take a back seat for a while, but as with all my other issues it’s up and down all the time. Nothing seems to plateau anymore which is one of the hardest things to deal with.
A big trigger in all this was an incident at home where somebodies behaviour caused me to have what I call a spaz attack. Not sure if it’s anxiety or stress but it was a big hit to my already shaky core and ruined my safe place. I’ve still not settled down but they’ve shown genuine remorse which has helped a little. Obviously now though I’ve taken a few steps back in my recovery which is already taking longer than I expected it to.
Fishing has once again taken over my life. Every day off is spent sat on the bank but I’ve changed my tactics and I’m catching again. This however also comes with drawbacks as I’m not getting anything done and day to day stuff piles up like a students washing.
I can’t seem to stay focused on much at the moment, including this blog, which isn’t helping either.
All in all I’m better than I was a few weeks ago but I’m still not back to how I was last summer. Hopefully things will settle soon as I’m trying a slightly unorthodox style of “therapy” The best way to describe it is hormone control
Having a constant internal battle between giving up completely and wanting to have a life is tiring. I’m a 32 yr old man, no significant other, no house and a bucket load of mental issues but on the other hand I’m a 32 yr old man, single, debt free, my own car and on all accounts I’m not bad looking. My job is only ok but also my job is ok, it’s secure and it’s fairly clean. My car is 11 years old but it’s a economical, good condition, fast, reliable German whip ( I actually can’t believe I just called it a whip ) I want to be left alone and never leave the house or talk to anyone but I want to be able to go out and have a laugh, got to gigs and bars and restaurants. Every aspect of my life is looked at in this way, it’s a painful existence and sometimes the quick option comes to mind. The idea of the pain and sadness stopping suddenly gives you a weird happy feeling that lures you towards the unspeakable. I have said the words ” I can’t do this anymore” out loud more times than I’d like to admit but I’m still here. Why? Maybe it’s fear, maybe it’s a need to live a normal life, I genuinely don’t know but I’m still alive and kicking.
Exercise has never been my strong point, I was always the slowest and weakest of my friends but I yearn for it. I’ve always wanted to be strong and fit but I can never stick to anything. Depression had a hold of every part of my life but I’m trying to create goals around exercise as when I do occasionally do it I feel loads better. I’m booked to do Tough Mudder in September but I’ve only been for one run in the last couple of months so my training is going about as well as everything else in my life. I’ve even debated joining a gym but due to my social anxiety and fear of everything new I don’t see myself sticking to it.
I had a minor brainwave the other day, why don’t I start an exercise group for like minded people? Start simple and do it somewhere like the park and maybe if it goes well I can ask people for a small donation every session and put the money into equipment and booking a leisure centre. I have a friend who’s an instructor and I’m hoping I can get him on board
I could never see the point of fishing, sitting down for hours on end staring at the water. It was something that never ever interested me but last summer my brother suggested we try it. Our first trip out we spent about 6 hours sitting in the rain drinking tea, eating Jaffa Cakes and catching nothing but a cold, I was absolutely hooked (excuse the pun) Every free day I had I was on the bank come rain or shine but soon that wasn’t enough. I work shifts so every other week I have my afternoons free so I was spending them on the bank too. My brother had commitments at home so I started going on my own a lot of the time. It was doing wonders for my confidence and was really helping me fight my depression. After having the winter off due to bereavement I have taken it back up again but it doesn’t feel the same. I no longer have that fishing buzz you get on the run-up to the weekend, every Friday used to feel like Christmas Eve. It’s almost like a relationship that’s gone stale and you’re just going through the motions. Maybe I’m sick of sitting on a public lake having to deal with wayward dogs and cocky little kids, maybe I’m bored of having to tie knots and unhook fish for other people or maybe I’m just worse than I was when I started fishing last year.
So my S.A.D has pushed someone away so far that they’ve fell off my radar completely. I can’t blame them, I’d walk away from it too if I could. The problem I have with losing friends and love interests is that they don’t always explain why. Is it too painful for them to sit and watch someone they care about shrivel away or do they just not care anymore? Sometimes you’ll never know, you’ve just got to shed a tear, pick yourself up and dust yourself off.
It’s not easy but it’s even harder when you think you love them but never get the chance to find out
I don’t know why I stay up late, 90% of the people I know are sleep, you have to be quiet as you don’t want to wake anyone up and most places are shut so you can’t really go out. I just sit here mindless watching TV or playing video games to try and blank out my thoughts and ignore the echoing chasm that is the night. But I’ll still do it, every chance I get, to sit here and mull over the shit pile that is my life.
Despondent is a good word for how I feel at times like this, silently lying in an empty bed, not wanting anybody in the house to know I’m awake. I’m lonely but I don’t want the company that’s on offer apart from the dog, he doesn’t ask me what’s wrong or try to make me feel better with cliches, he just sits there without judgement or pity and soaks up all the attention like a sponge while dishing out affection. You see, I get really irritable and shitty with people because they won’t let me sit in peace. I’ll sit with them so I’m not alone but people always want you to join in.
I need a cuddle. I need someone to let me rest my head on their chest and stroke my hair while I tumble down this rabbit hole and wait for the strength to climb back out. But herein lies another kick in the teeth, I don’t have the energy to worry and care about somebody else. I met a beautiful woman and my feelings for her grew faster than I could cope with and now I’ve pushed her away because I didn’t want to drag her down into this pit with me (plus I got really needy and scared her off) She has done amazingly well at fighting her own demons, I can’t ask her to meet mine. Now I just watch from a distance as the gorgeous flower blooms into the confident person she strives to be and drifts away like cherry blossom in the Spring. I just hope she forgives me for being a dick.
Sleep should be my friend, hours of peace and quiet but trying to sleep when you’re miserable and fed up is surprisingly difficult. It should be easy, I don’t want to be awake and sleeping would bring daylight and bacon but no such luck
So today I woke up in a fairly good mood but over the last few hours it’s been slowing slipping away, like a tide leaving the beach. Nothing has happened to make me feel like this it just happens and there’s no escaping the feeling of “I can’t be arsed” . I feel like I’ve got a lot to say today but nothing seems to be coming out
My moods seem to be like the sea on a stormy day, rising and falling by the minute. These are the hardest times as you are constantly going from happy to sad and everywhere in between, people start to think you’re faking it, that you’re not really depressed. Everything feels worse because two minutes ago you were laughing and joking but now all you want to do is curl up into a ball somewhere dark and quiet. The fight you have being smothered due to the turbulence